Dear Brother... A Necessary Word on Sexual Disfunction, Shame and Covenant
The hidden shame of sexual dysfunction in marriage and getting help.
Marcus Jamison
11/21/20255 min read
Dear Brother,
If you are reading this, you are likely standing at the most dangerous emotional precipice in your marriage. You are a good man who loves his wife, but you are carrying a massive burden of shame and failure related to intimacy, and that burden is telling you a seductive lie: "It's easier to quit the marriage than to fix the problem."
You may be wrestling with long-standing physical or psychological challenges—a sexual issue that started before this relationship. You may have tried treatments, only to be met with repeated disappointment. Now, you are retreating and looking for reasons to justify your surrender.
The Desire Lie: When Shame Masquerades as Undesirability
It is common for men facing chronic sexual difficulty (like low libido or difficulty with ejaculation/anorgasmia) to resort to a powerful defense mechanism: blaming the spouse.
You may have looked your wife in the eye and said, "You are not desirable to me," or "I just don't feel the desire anymore."
Brother, this statement is the loudest voice of your shame, not the truth of your heart.
Consider the evidence:
The Pre-Marriage Passion: Your relationship was highly passionate, even sexual, right up until the wedding. You felt profound desire for her when there was an external boundary (waiting for marriage).
The Post-Marriage Failure: The problem started only after the wedding, when the physical, functional issue (inability to ejaculate or maintain consistent interest) surfaced.
When a man repeatedly fails to perform, or finds himself unable to connect physically, the experience becomes so humiliating that his brain creates an easier explanation: "If I don't desire her, then my failure is her fault, not mine."
You are letting your discouragement force you to lie to your wife and yourself. You are sacrificing your marriage to protect yourself from the pain of facing your own deep-seated struggle. You must stop protecting your shame and start honoring your covenant.
The Choice: Surrender or Covenant
You feel guilty, saying you have "robbed" your spouse and don't know how to fix it. This guilt is understandable, but it leads to paralysis, not repentance.
You stand at a crossroads:
1. The Path of Surrender (Walking Away)
If you truly believe separation is the answer, you must understand what that decision means and what you are running from. You cannot abandon a covenant lightly.
If you choose to leave, you are choosing to lose the most powerful resource you have: a partner who gives you unconditional grace and support.
The Comfort Zone You Rely On Is Already Disappearing.
Brother, you have relied on your wife's extraordinary patience and enablement to create a zone of peace where you don't have to face your problem. This comfort zone is where you have been hiding. But this support system is already crumbling while you are still married because you have done nothing to replenish her emotional well. That peace she provided is being replaced by exhaustion, and her grace is turning into fatigue.
You are actively destroying the very thing you rely on. What will you do when the person who has loved you the most—who has provided years of grace and patience—finally reaches the breaking point and begins to stop loving you at all?
That nightmare of being unloved by the one who has loved you most hasn't happened yet, but it is slowly slipping away. The pain you feel now from your own failure will be compounded and multiplied by the loss of your covenant wife's love, her unceasing prayer, and the wisdom she provides. You are counting on a resource that is being drained by your inaction. This loss will be the true nightmare. You still have the power to stop this from happening.
The harsh reality of divorce in your situation is this:
The Problem is Portable: Your long-standing medical/psychological issue with intimacy does not stay with the marriage; it travels with you. The shame will follow you into the next relationship, or simply define your solitude.
The Grace is Not: You will no longer have a supportive, Christian wife who has lasted years without nagging, who has tried to protect you from pressure, and who knows the history of your struggle.
If you choose to leave, you have a non-negotiable spiritual and emotional obligation: you must tell the truth about what you are abandoning, and you must do it with accountability.
You cannot justify a divorce on the grounds of "I don't find you desirable." You need to stand before a trusted third party (a pastor or a Christian marriage counselor) and say:
"I am choosing to end this marriage because I am unwilling to continue seeking medical and therapeutic solutions for my long-term sexual dysfunction, and I find it easier to divorce my wife than to continue facing the discouragement and shame of my physical struggle."
2. The Path of Covenant (Fighting for Restoration)
The only path that honors your vow and your love for her is the commitment to fight for restoration.
Guilt looks backward: It offers you an excuse to remain frozen.
True Repentance looks forward: It demands immediate change and action.
Your Non-Negotiable Call to Action
Your wife has been faithful and patient, but she has also been enabled to carry the weight of your surrender. If you want to save this marriage, you must demonstrate that your love is worth fighting for by taking immediate, concrete action. You must step out of the paralysis of guilt and into the courage of a covenant partner.
Acknowledge and Own Your Emotional Withdrawal. You must confess that your retreat and lack of presence were hurtful. Stop focusing on her listening to you, and start listening to her plea for your engagement.
Replace your Absence with your Presence. You know how you used to show up for your wife and made her fall in love with you. You know how she shows up for you (even now). Take steps towards making her smile every day. Let her know you value her. Baby steps are all you need. But take the steps.
Stop Using Past Failure as an Excuse. You may have seen a specialist before. That specialist failed to solve the problem. Find a new one. You might need a new strategy, likely involving a Urologist, Therapy or Christian Counseling.
Brother, your worth is not tied to your physical performance, but your faithfulness is tied to your vow. Do not let shame and discouragement destroy the beautiful covenant you made. Fight for her, and fight for your soul.
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